and Self-esteem
Where does our self-esteem come from? How can we improve it once we believe we need more confidence, or maybe a little less. Somewhere between feeling like a doormat and acting like a tyrant, there’s the ideal ‘you’. It has, in fact, been said that all depression or lack in the minds of our civilization stems from a lack of self-esteem.
Before rejecting that idea, let’s consider it. As an intangible asset, our self-worth, which determines our confidence, can swing between low and high peaks. How we express flows in pace with our emotional and mental health moments….sometimes with the same varying displays.
We’ve been told that our confidence level was nurtured, or not – in our early childhood. Not to fret! Whatever dose we have can be adjusted by examining the pieces of who we are. We begin by considering why we like or dislike something, where our level of self-respect is, and our choice of verbal and subtle expression. It involves being mindful of what instigates personal change or resistance… like a new hair style or nothing new for 30 years, or why we adopt the latest unfounded trend, or not. It means listening to our inner signals that approve or disapprove of our choices and responses…and then doing something about it. Little things like purchases based on promotions with no relation to fact can suggest we’re buying into media hype. One common example is today’s overuse of the word ‘sexy’. We already know that buying a product because of advertising its ‘sex appeal’ won’t really help us be a sexual magnet when it’s applied to kitchen paint or which beverage your drink…..but it does sell. And is that really what determines your ’self-worth’?
When we’re in school, we attach our self-image to the friends we have, which group likes us enough to embrace us in their niche. Self-image becomes important to fit into the group, extending to how we look, who we date and how many friends we have. In our effort to be unique, we conform to the identity promoted by the group we attach to, maintaining acceptance and an unrealized conformity.
As part of our growth process, it’s understandable as teenagers. When not examined for the level of a match between our individual values versus those reflected by the group values, it may evolve more firmly into self-esteem based on external factors. It’s commonly attached to job titles, income figures, the car we drive, who we date or where and how we live. Those things are not ‘you’, they are what you do to earn a living and socialize in today’s world of survival and consumerism. In reality, you already know they don’t express your self-worth but how common are those measures?
If our self-esteem determines our confidence, how do we improve it? This process begins with realizing what your values are and living according to them. It involves your choice of expression and communication, how you support or deny things that represent your values. Only when we are respectful of our self, can we extend that respect to others. Your self-confidence level reflects the degree to which you developed respect for both self and others. When those things don’t match the people surrounding you as friends, and it causes you conflict, it’s time to consider whether or not you’re in the right circle.
When we deny our values or adopt too many that don’t reflect our belief system, unusual habits develop. Whether you’ve become a kleptomaniac, intense in communication of your ideas, judgmental of everyone and everything, obsessive over irrelevant details….or a ruling tyrant, any stressful trait that emerges is a nudge that something would benefit from examination.
The only certain thing is that unexamined, nothing will change for the better. Improving your confidence level doesn’t have to be a tough job. It’s easy to learn techniques to reinforce positive thoughts and healthier choices through use of workshops, books and CD’s. The next level involves the objective view of a practitioner skilled in behaviour and responses. A few options that should shorten the process include psychotherapy, counselling, psychology, hypnotherapy, behavior therapy, anger management or NLP practitioners. As these therapists assist us with identification of false ideas or self-sabotaging habits we acquired, a makeover of our self-image and self-esteem can occur more easily . The hardest part is, perhaps, accepting the realization that life could be better if we make a decision to change what no longer is a good fit.
Eleanor Roosevelt’s wise comment is a keeper: “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
